They say
What to say when an employee says “I thought we were friends.”
When an employee says I thought we were friends, acknowledge that the relationship matters, explain the responsibility attached to your role, and do not grant an exception based on friendship.
Your response
“Our friendship matters to me. So does my responsibility in this role. I want to explain the decision clearly and hear why it feels like I’ve let you down, but I can’t change it because we’re friends.”
First, check this
Would you make the same decision if this employee were not your friend, and did you clearly reset expectations when your role changed?
Why this works
Pretending the friendship is irrelevant would make the manager sound cold and evasive. Letting the friendship determine the decision would create a different problem. The response acknowledges the personal effect while keeping the role obligation clear. It also gives the employee room to name what feels different now. This page concerns friendship and a changed relationship; the next page concerns whether the manager has legitimate authority to decide.
Don’t say
“At work, I’m your manager, not your friend.”
If they push back again
“You’ve changed since you became the boss.”
You could say
Some things have changed, because my job has. I still care about how we get along. If I’ve been colder than the job requires, tell me where and I’ll do something about it.
After the conversation
- Check over the next month whether you’re treating this friend differently from the rest of the team, in either direction.
- If you haven’t done it yet, tell your former peers directly what has changed about your role and what hasn’t.
- Decide which social habits you’ll keep, such as lunches together, and keep work decisions out of them.
Questions managers ask
Can I stay friends with someone I now manage?
You can, though the friendship has to change shape. Work decisions and confidential information need to stay out of social time, and the team needs to see your friend held to the same standards as everyone else. Say this to your friend early, so they don’t discover it from a decision.
What if I really have been harder on them to prove I’m fair?
Then you’ve swapped one unfairness for another. Compare your recent decisions about them with decisions about others in similar situations, and if they’ve been getting less, correct it and tell them. Overcorrecting is common among new managers, and the team notices it as readily as favoritism.
Should I hand off decisions about a friend to another manager?
For high-stakes decisions such as pay or promotion, it can make sense if the friendship is close and your organization allows it. Everyday work is different, because you can’t manage a team while excluding one person from it. If you do hand off a decision, say so openly so nobody wonders why.