They say
What to say when an employee says the other person started it: “They started it.”
When an employee says the other person started it, make clear that the other person’s conduct matters and will be addressed, then examine the employee’s own response and the observable sequence of events.
Your response
“What they did matters, and I’ll address it separately. Right now, I need to understand your part. Start with the first thing you directly observed, then walk me through what you said or did in response.”
First, check this
Are you examining both people’s conduct fairly, or asking one person to absorb behavior that you have not addressed with the other?
Why this works
It makes two things clear at once: the other person’s behavior will be examined, and being provoked does not remove responsibility for how the employee responded. Asking for the sequence of observable events reduces labels and competing stories. Addressing each person separately keeps the conversation focused on what each person did and what each must do differently.
Don’t say
“I don’t care who started it.”
If they push back again
“So I’m just supposed to take it from them?”
You could say
No. If it happens again, come to me right away rather than answering back. I’ll deal with what they did either way, and it’s a lot simpler to put right when you haven’t hit back.
After the conversation
- Talk to the other person separately, ideally within a day or two, and get their account before you decide anything.
- Check the sequence of events with anyone who directly saw it, asking what they observed and leaving their opinions aside.
- Tell both people the same expected behavior and what to do next time something like this happens, and note the date.
Questions managers ask
Should I discipline both employees if they were both involved?
Judge each person’s conduct on its own. Being involved doesn’t make two people equally responsible, since one may have escalated while the other responded mildly. Decide what each did against the standard and act on that. Equal treatment means applying the same standard to both, even when that leads to different outcomes.
What if the person who started it is someone I rely on?
Hold them to the same standard, and be especially careful about it, because the team will be watching. Their value to you has no bearing on what they did. Raise it directly and promptly, and if you notice yourself softening the conversation with them, ask another manager or HR to review your decision.
What if I can’t work out who started it?
You often won’t need to. Decide what each person did that fell short of the standard and address that. Who started it matters when one person clearly escalated, and a long argument over who made the first comment rarely changes what each person needs to do next.