They say
“They started it.”
Your response
“What they did matters, and I’ll address it separately. Right now, I need to understand your part. Start with the first thing you directly observed, then walk me through what you said or did in response.”
First, check this
Are you examining both people’s conduct fairly, or asking one person to absorb behavior that you have not addressed with the other?
Why this works
It makes two things clear at once: the other person’s behavior will be examined, and being provoked does not remove responsibility for how the employee responded. Asking for the sequence of observable events reduces labels and competing stories. Addressing each person separately keeps the conversation focused on what each person did and what each must do differently.
Don’t say
“I don’t care who started it.”