They say
What to say when an employee says “Why are you singling me out?”
When an employee says you are singling them out, ask what has made them feel targeted, check whether you are treating them differently, and return to the specific feedback.
Your response
“Tell me what has made you feel singled out. I’ll look at whether I’m holding you to a different standard. I also want to discuss the specific feedback that brought us here.”
First, check this
Are you monitoring, correcting, or challenging this employee more than others whose comparable behavior you have overlooked?
Why this works
The employee may be trying to escape the feedback, but they may also have noticed a real pattern. Asking what made them feel singled out gives the manager something concrete to examine. The manager can then test their own consistency without abandoning the original concern. This page is about perceived personal targeting; the related ‘everyone else does it’ page is about whether a team-wide standard is being enforced consistently.
Don’t say
“We’re talking about you, not everyone else.”
If they push back again
“Can someone else review my work from now on?”
You could say
Not right away. Let me first check whether I’ve been treating you differently, and I’ll tell you what I find. If I can’t be fair about this, I’ll ask someone else to look.
After the conversation
- Look back over two months of check-ins and corrections to see whether this employee gets noticeably more than their peers.
- Raise the same standard with anyone else who falls short of it, so your attention isn’t concentrated on one person.
- Write down the feedback you gave and the change you asked for, and tell the employee when you’ll review it.
Questions managers ask
How do I know if I’m unconsciously picking on one employee?
Keep a tally for a few weeks of every correction and criticism you give, by person, since memory won’t be reliable here. If one name dominates and the work doesn’t explain it, you have a pattern to fix. A peer manager sitting in on a team meeting can also tell you things you can’t see yourself.
Can I give feedback to one person without addressing the whole team?
You can, as long as the standard would apply to anyone. Feedback is usually about one person’s work and doesn’t need a team announcement. The problem starts when others fall short in the same way and hear nothing, so address them individually too, in their own conversations, instead of turning it into a group lecture.
Should I stop giving feedback after someone says they feel singled out?
Keep giving it. Pausing all feedback leaves a real problem unaddressed and teaches them that the complaint works as a shield. Make each piece about work you’d raise with anyone, and check your own pattern at the same time, so you’re fixing any unfairness without dropping the standard.