They say
What to say when an employee says “That’s how we talk around here.”
When an employee says that’s how we talk here, take the wider team norm seriously, address any pattern you have tolerated, and still require this employee to change the behavior.
Your response
“If that is how the team normally talks, then I need to address the wider pattern. It does not excuse what happened here, and I still need you to change this behavior.”
First, check this
Have you tolerated, modeled, or rewarded this behavior elsewhere on the team?
Why this works
A common behavior can still be damaging or contrary to the standard the work requires. The employee may also be accurately describing a culture the manager has allowed. The response accepts responsibility for the wider pattern while keeping individual behavior in view. This page is about a normalized group habit; ‘Other people do it too’ is about whether a standard is being enforced consistently across individuals.
Don’t say
“I don’t care how people talk around here.”
If they push back again
“You’ve said worse in team meetings yourself.”
You could say
If I have, I need to stop as well, and I will. Tell me what you’ve heard me say. I’ll still need this change from you, and I’ll hold myself to the same standard.
After the conversation
- Raise the wider team habit at your next team meeting, naming the behavior that has to stop and starting with your own part in it.
- Ask one or two colleagues for honest examples of when you’ve used the same kind of language, and act on what they tell you.
- Record the behavior and change agreed with this employee separately from the team-wide reset.
Questions managers ask
How do I change a team habit I’ve let slide for years?
Tell the team which behavior is changing and from what date, and admit that you let it run. Change your own habits first. Then deal with the first few lapses quickly and the same way each time, because enforcing it once a month teaches people the old habit still works.
Can banter between colleagues be a performance issue?
It can, when it affects the work or the people around it. If someone stops speaking up in meetings or starts avoiding a colleague, the banter is affecting the work, whether or not everyone laughed at the time. Where it touches on protected characteristics, check your organization’s policy, since it may need more than a conversation.
Should I tell the team why I’m suddenly enforcing this?
Tell them, or they’ll assume it’s aimed at whoever was corrected first. Explain what prompted it in general terms without naming anyone, and say what you’re changing in your own behavior. That keeps the employee you spoke to from looking like the reason for the new rule.