They say
What to say when an employee says “That’s just how I am.”
When an employee says that’s just how I am, separate who they are from the specific behavior being discussed, explain its effect at work, and define the change required.
Your response
“I’m not asking you to change who you are. I’m asking you to change a specific behavior because of its effect at work. What would a workable change look like for you?”
First, check this
Have you described a specific, changeable behavior and its work impact, or are you criticizing a personality trait or communication style?
Why this works
The employee has turned a request about behavior into a claim about identity. Separating the two makes clear that adapting conduct is not the same as becoming a different person. Asking what a workable change looks like gives the employee some responsibility for finding a genuine alternative. This page must stay with observable behavior and must not diagnose personality, attitude, or character.
Don’t say
“Then who you are is the problem.”
If they push back again
“So I have to pretend to be someone else.”
You could say
Not at all. I’m asking for one change in what you do, and you’d still be you. Let’s choose what it is and try it for the next two weeks.
After the conversation
- Write down the one observable change you agreed on and the situations where it applies, in the employee’s own words.
- Mention it within the next two weeks when the employee makes the change, as well as when they don’t.
- Check your own notes for personality labels and replace them with descriptions of behavior before anything goes on record.
Questions managers ask
Can you ask an employee to change their personality?
You can’t, and you don’t need to. You can ask them to change what they do in particular situations, such as how they respond in meetings or how they word emails. People with very different personalities meet the same standards of behavior every day, so keep the request to actions someone could see.
What if the behavior is linked to a disability or health condition?
Pause and get advice before going further. Talk to HR or whoever handles adjustments and accommodations in your organization, and ask the employee whether there’s anything they want you to know. You’ll still be looking for a workable arrangement, though how you get there may change. Don’t guess at a diagnosis yourself.
What if I’m asking them to change something that’s really just my preference?
Test it by naming the effect on the work. If you can’t say who is affected and how, such as a client left confused or a colleague bypassed, you may be asking them to work the way you would. Drop the request, or rewrite it around an effect you can describe.