They say
“I was only joking.”
Your response
“I understand you meant it as a joke. I’m addressing the comment because of its effect, not because I think you intended harm. I need you not to repeat it.”
01
First, check this
Can you describe exactly what was said and its work-related effect without assuming either harmless or malicious intent?
02
Why this works
Intent helps explain the behavior, but it does not settle whether the behavior was acceptable or whether it needs to change. The response does not accuse the employee of deliberately causing harm. It also does not allow the word ‘joke’ to end the discussion. This page stays with the speaker’s stated intent; the next page addresses the different move of blaming the person who reacted.
03
Don’t say
“It doesn’t matter what you meant.”