They say
What to say when an employee says “I was only joking.”
When an employee says they were only joking, acknowledge that they may not have intended harm, then return to what was said, its effect, and what must change.
Your response
“I understand you meant it as a joke. I’m addressing the comment because of its effect, not because I think you intended harm. I need you not to repeat it.”
First, check this
Can you describe exactly what was said and its work-related effect without assuming either harmless or malicious intent?
Why this works
Intent helps explain the behavior, but it does not settle whether the behavior was acceptable or whether it needs to change. The response does not accuse the employee of deliberately causing harm. It also does not allow the word ‘joke’ to end the discussion. This page stays with the speaker’s stated intent; the next page addresses the different move of blaming the person who reacted.
Don’t say
“It doesn’t matter what you meant.”
If they push back again
“So I can’t joke with anyone now?”
You could say
You can joke plenty. I’m asking you to stop this particular comment, and if you’re unsure where the line is with something else, ask me and I’ll tell you plainly.
After the conversation
- Check in privately with the person the comment was about within a few days, and ask whether anything has continued.
- Write down the exact words used and the change you asked for, with the date, so any repeat can be compared accurately.
- Address the same kind of comment the same way when you hear it from anyone else on the team.
Questions managers ask
Is a joke at work ever grounds for discipline?
It can be, depending on what was said, whether it was repeated and what your organization’s policy says. A first, minor comment usually needs a clear conversation. Comments about protected characteristics, or ones repeated after a warning, may need a formal process, so check with HR before deciding on anything beyond a conversation.
What if I’ve laughed at the same kind of joke before?
Say that too. “I’ve laughed at this sort of thing before, and I shouldn’t have” makes your correction believable to the employee. It also tells them the standard is changing for everyone, including you. Then hold to it next time, because they’ll notice if you laugh again.
Do I need the person who was joked about to complain before acting?
You can act without a complaint. If you heard the comment or know about it and it falls below your standard, address it. Many people won’t complain about a colleague, and acting on your own also keeps the target from being seen as the one who caused trouble. Check in with them privately either way.